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Humor Archive

"Promote wildlife: throw a party."

"We're going to have so much fun, we're going to need plastic surgery to wipe the smiles off our faces." - Chevy Chase

"When life hands you lemons ask for a fifth of tequila and salt!!"

"While waiting for the right guy to come along, I'm having lots of fun with the wrong ones!"

"What does a snail have to do to reincarnate? Leave the perfect trail of slime?" - The Bucket List

"Miranda: Oh I'm sorry Steve, I'm an asshole. Steve: Yeah you are, but you're my asshole. Miranda: That's sweet, and gross, at the same time." - Sex and the City

"Charlotte: You'd dump a guy because he was a bad kisser? Samantha: Honey, you have to. I mean, if their tongue is just going to lay there, what do you think their dicks are going to do. Carrie: Point taken." - Sex and the City

"You are a dirty little fun-haver." - failure to launch

" I really like him, Rory. I can't help it. And it's been a really long time since I've felt like this. You can't always control who you're attracted to, you know. I think the whole Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thronton thing really proves that." - Gilmore Girls

"Lois: Jimmy, you stepped on my hand. Jimmy: Next time, don't leave your hand on the floor under a desk in an office you're not supposed to be in. Lois: I'm sorry--did I just get a lecture from Jimmy Olsen? " - Smallville

"Look who peeked in his shorts and found a pair." - Scrubs

"Friends won't let friend's drive home drunk with an ugly guy."

"Menopause, mental anxiety, menstrual cramps, mental breakdown...ever notice how all our problems begin with men?"

"Jin: I'm... sorry. Sawyer: Okay, nice. Keep it coming. Jin: You were...right. Sawyer: Okay, that's two. Hit me. Jin: Those pants... don't make you look... fat. Sawyer: Now ya got it! Only three things a woman needs to hear!" - Lost

"Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken."

"You don't keep inklings to yourself! You share them! You're like hey guy, I got an inkling you're headed for a fall here! That's what friends do, that's common knowledge, it's in the damn handbook!" - Valentine's Day

"Downsizing to a smaller office is a transition. Making dresses in your kitchen is Mildred Peers." - Lipstick Jungle

"I bet people can actually die of embarrassment. I bet it's been medically proven." - My So-Called Life

"Now, I know I'm not the subtlest guy when it comes to women and I probably said something insanely inappropriate, because you told me if I ever talked to you again, you'd break my kneecaps. Which just made me love you." - Alias

"The statistics on sanity are that one of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're ok, then it's you."