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Humor Archive

"I just realized something. Or maybe it's the maturity that comes with age. The witch in Hansel and Gretel, she's very misunderstood. I mean the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it." - Sex and the City

"You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more water out of the pool."

"She said when hell freezes over, she's gonna be mine, but she didn't say never, so that's a good sign." - Rich McCready

"Well, that's what's so great about it, technically it's a business dinner. It has all the potential upsides of a date while still being tax deductible." - Desperate Housewives

"I have a black shopping!"

"it's me again. Where are you? I feel like your stalker ex-girlfriend, even though I was never your girlfriend. It was just an analogy--a bad one. I'm sorry, this is awkward, okay, call me!" - Smallville

Giles: No, actually that would be one of the five. " - Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"If I was 10 times smarter than you, I'd be a moron!"

"That's just the laMest smack-talk I've ever heard in my life." - Scrubs

"You know, if the whole cum situation were reversed, do you think men would get anywhere near the stuff?" - Sex and the City

"be optimistic. all the people you hate now are eventually going to die." - tom green

"Just when you think you've seen it all, life bites you in the ass."

"when you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. it might be a trick, but if it's not, mmm boy." -jack handy

"Welcome to the world of the emotionally matured. It's a really nice place to visit." - Reality Bites

"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done." - jack handy

"Frankly dear, I don't give a damn!" - Gone With The Wind

"I just learned that the Prince who was supposed to come and sweep me off my feet has supposedly gotten lost in the forest."

"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."

"We went from candy and toys to cell phones and boys."

"Why is it that guys always want to be 'friends,' yet they fail to realize that 'friends' talk?" - Courtney