Jacqueline Kelly Archive
"Things aren't great. The nightmares of my past are returning to haunt me in my sleep. When I'm awake, a certain sound, a word, brings back the memories and I freeze. I can't breathe. My soul is so torn. I wonder if it will ever be healed completely. My heart is ripped into shreds. It doesn't seem as if there's anyway to mend it. I'm dying. I'm dying and no one can tell. They don't even care. It's torture, going through the motions of life as if I'm really here. I don't remember the last time I really felt anything. The last time I cried or laughed and meant it. And I wonder why no one can tell. They all say the love me but then why aren't they able." - Jacqueline Kelly
"So, here's my question. What makes me so damn wonderful? I'm nothing. Honestly. I'm just another girl, doing what she can to make believe happiness. And, it's not working. But, somehow I managed to convince everyone around me that I am. And they say they love me. But, how can they? What they see isn't me. It's what I pretend to be, because its what I'm told to be. But, I'm not happy. I'm not nice. I'm mean. I'm evil. I say things and do things that hurt myself and hurt people. Deliberately. Because, I can. And because it's supposed to make them all leave me alone so I don't have to pretend anymore, but they don't leave. No, instead they continue to believe I'm happy, perky. When I smile they believe me. When I laugh they think it's real. And they think they love me. But, they don't know me. They know who I pretend to be. But, how do you love something that's not real?" - Jacqueline Kelly
"I don't know when it happened, or even how it happened. But it did. I grew up. And with growing up I grew apart. I'm not one of you anymore. I'm my own person. And I'm alone. You live in this happy world together, and I'm on the outside looking in. My seasons are completely different from yours. When the sun shines on you the rain pours on me. Your laughter is my sorrow. I don't feel things the way you do. I don't respond to things the way you do. I'm sorry. I can't help it. This is who I am." - Jacqueline Kelly