“Okay. The best way to get over an it-doesn’t-matter guy is to find a new one. Preferably one who looks good bare chested in red suspenders.” – Beauty and the Beast

“He’s slower than a fat man encased in concrete being drug backwards.” – Secretariat

“‘Well, there’s two kinds of peeing,’ he said.  ’There’s regular peeing, because you have to pee.  And then there’s auxiliary competitive peeing.  For acquiring an empire.  I’m all about the real estate.’” – Walking in Circles Before Lying Down by Merrill Markoe

“‘As a language purist, I can’t bring myself to say ‘grande latte,’ knowing that the rest of my sentence is going to be in English.’” – Walking in Circles Before Lying Down by Merrill Markoe

“I’ve always wanted to have a phone call with somebody who doesn’t talk.” – Beginners

Ways to Know You Were Born in the ’80s

1. You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power and He-man got cancelled.

2. Snap bracelets were always getting you in trouble at school.

3. You played with My Little Ponies.

4. Friendship bracelets were ties that couldn’t be broken.

5. You know all the words to “Ice Ice Baby.”

6. You wanted to be Hulk for Halloween.

7. You had a crush on the New Kids on the Block members- *THE* ORGINAL BOY BAND.

8. You wanted to be on “Star Search.”

9. You wore one of those t-shirt rings or a scrunchie on the side of your shirts.

10. You were styling with your french-rolled pants.

11. You wore multiple pairs of socks in the middle of the summer just so you could be hip.

12. Cabbage Patch Kids ring a bell?

13. You can remember watching “Full House” and “Saved By the Bell” for endless hours, back when they were new episodes.

14. You have seen at least 10 episodes of “Fraggle Rock.”

15. You hold a special place in your heart for “Back to the Future.”

16. You always brought a sticker book to school.

17. You wanted to be a Goony (“Goonies never say die!”).

18. You remember Madonna in her cone stage.

19. You wore fluorescent-neon clothing.

20. There was ATARI: the state of the art video game system.

21. Do you remember MC Hammer?

22. You can still sing the rap to “Fresh Prince of Bel Air.”

23. Can you recite the theme to “Duck Tales?”

24. You own any cassettes.

25. You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlin or ET lunch box.

26. You ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female Smurf or why Baby Smurf never grew up…

27. You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the Care Bear Stare.

28. You had Super Woman or Superman underwear.

29. Do Polly Pockets and Popples ring a bell?

30. You stayed up all night listening to Teddy Ruxpin.

31. “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?”

32. You still have a crimper in your bathroom drawer.

33. You own an Indiana Jones hat.

34. You love your pink jeans and black stretch pants.

35. You learned how to spell “mouse” from the Mickey Mouse Club theme song.

36. You felt like a big girl when your mom bought you Girl Talk.

37. You used to wear bright pink slip-ons and jelly shoes.

38. You used to compare you brother to Ferguson.

39. You remember when Ren and Stimpy was a new show.

40. PEE WEE’s PLAY HOUSE!!!!!

41. Rainbow Brite, Lady Lovely Locks, Quints– hours of fun.

42. You can’t forget My Buddy, Ghost Busters, Pogo Balls and/or Skip it.

43. You weren’t allowed to watch “You Can’t Do That” on Television.

44. You went through a denial stage when you were told CDs were going to replace cassettes.

45. Leggings and baggy sweaters.

46. A younger sibling has looked at pictures of you and either asked if it was Halloween, or if you and your friends were “losers.”

47. You’ve had the internet for only around a third of your life.

48. Two words: Shrinky-dinks.

49. Cyndi Lauper and Tiffany were your idols.

50. You knew Prince before he was The Artist.

51. You had a crush on Ben Affleck when he was on The Voyage of the Mimi.

52. The Hanna Barbara shows weren’t reruns.

53. The New Scooby-Doo Shows…were really new.

54. Saturday morning cartoons…. The Wuzzles, Gummy Bears and Supergang, Snorks, and Pound Puppies.

55. Instead of sitcoms like Friends, Seinfield and Will & Grace you had….uh uh…. The Cosby Show?

56. You had streamers on the ends of your bike and/or a basket.

57. You had a scooter….not a razor…a scooter that weighed as much if not more than your bike.

58. You never quite got around to setting up the trap in Mouse Trap.

59. Lite Brite, Lite Brite turn on the magical shining light.

60. SLIP N SLIDE!!

61. Lunchtime Recess was devoted to Sticker Books.

62. The only way to carry your books around was a Trapper Keeper.

Ways to Know You Were Born in the ’80s

10 ways the Bible would be different if written by college students

1. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.
2. The 10 Commandments would only be five – double spaced – and written in LARGE font.
3. New edition every 2 years to limit reselling.
4. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
5. Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s e-mail to [email protected].
6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
7. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
8. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
9. Reason why Moses and followers wandered the desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask for directions and look like freshies.
10. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and pulled an all-nighter.

10 ways the Bible would be different if written by college students

Dear Mom …

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it’s not only that mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams.

I’ve learned that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we’ll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed will get better. He deserves it.

Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’ll visit for you to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Judith

P.S.

Mom, it’s not true. I’m at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than a report card… that’s in my desk drawer.

Dear Mom

How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair-dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “INBOX.”
5. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
6. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
7. In the memo field of all your cheques , write “FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS”.
8. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
9. Dont use any punctuation.
10. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
11. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
12. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
13. Sing along at the opera.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
15. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!”, “I Won!” “3rd time this week!!!”
18. Go to the zoo and run around the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
19. Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

Words Women Use

“FINE”

This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

“FIVE MINUTES”

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it’s an even trade.

“NOTHING”

If you ask her what is wrong and she says “nothing,” this means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “five minutes” and end with the word “fine.”

“GO AHEAD” (with raised eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “nothing” and will end with the word “fine.”

“GO AHEAD” (normal eyebrows)

This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “nothing” and “fine” and she will talk to you in about “five minutes” when she cools off.

“LOUD SIGH”

This is not actually a word but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “loud sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “nothing.”

“SOFT SIGH”

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

“THAT’S OKAY”

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s okay” is often used with the word “fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “go ahead.” At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

“PLEASE DO”

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “that’s okay.”

“THANKS”

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say “you’re welcome.”

“THANKS A LOT”

This is much different from “thanks.” A woman will say, “thanks a lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “loud sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “loud sigh,” as she will only tell you “nothing.”

posted by http://www.livejournal.com/users/oh_soo_confused/ in http://www.livejournal.com/users/__quotexwhore/

Words Women Use

Things You’d Love to Say at Work

1. I see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand what you’re saying.
10. Ahhh… I see the screw up fairy has visited you again…
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean that you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby, whiny opinion would be…?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for whatever is behind door number one?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Chaos, panic, and disorder- my work here is done.
36. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
37. I thought that I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Things You’d Love to Say at Work

Permission slip to date my daughter

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE:

This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME _______________________________

DATE OF BIRTH ________________

HEIGHT ____________________

WEIGHT __________

I.Q _______

G.P.A.______

SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________

DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS _________________

CITY/STATE ___________

ZIP _________

Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________

If No., EXPLAIN ___________________________________________________

Number of years your parents have been married ____________________________

Do you own a van? ______

A truck with oversized tires? ______

A waterbed? _______

Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring?

A tattoo_________________

(If “yes” to any of the two above, discontinue application and leave premises.)

In 50 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you?____________________ _______________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or lest, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE” mean to you? _____________________________________________________________________

Church you attend _____________

How often do you attend __________________

When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________

Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (that means I won’t tell anyone-ever-I promise.)

If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________

If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________

A woman’s place is in the ________________________________________

The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________

When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her ______________

(NOTE: If your answer begins with “T” or “A”, discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

________________________________________ Signature ( That means your name, moron.)

Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back.)

Permission slip to date my daughter

Things to do for a Dateless Valentine’s Day

1. Wear black, and lots of it.
2. If someone else in the office has received flowers, chocolate, singing telegrams, and other forms of dating expressions, glare at them. Snarling and grunting optional.
3. Same goes for anyone wearing excessive amounts of red. Especially if they are wearing heart-shaped items like pins.
4. Later in the day, eat the chocolate, run the flowers through a food processor, and beat the crap out of the singing telegram people. (Most people will thank you for this, anyway).
5. For the rest of the day, labor over the effect all that chocolate is gonna have on your waistline.
6. Return home and destroy at least one item given to you by an ex.
7. Feel guilty. Call the ex. Make up story about having a hot date.
8. Watch TV. Turn off TV after noticing every channel is airing a clone of “While You Were Sleeping” or, worse yet, a “Friends” Valentine’s Day.
9. Realize how lame not having a hot date is. Head to bar.
10. Plot massive torture of anyone who shows up at the bar with a date. Slow torture if the couple is in anything above semi-formal dress.
11. Massive quantities of alcohol. Beergoggling. Wake up next to someone – male or female – with way too much facial hair.
12. Remember (and regret) this incident for the next 364 days. Complain about never having a good Valentines Day.
13. Wait until some bizarre calendar date Hallmark has labeled “Sweetest Day.” Rinse, lather, repeat to get in practice for next Valentine’s Day.

Things to do for a Dateless Valentines Day

The Art of Peeing

Written to a woman who accidentally walked into a men’s restroom…

Please don’t feel bad, lady. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It’s rare for us guys to ever hit what we’re aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I’ll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men’s penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I’m telling ‘ya those little buggers can’t be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I’m no longer allowed to pee like a man — standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don’t usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I’m a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it’s a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It’s the dreaded “morning wood.”

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that thing to bend, and if it don’t bend you can’t aim, well hell, if you can’t aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin’ toilet seat won’t stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you’re newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it’s just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her … look, it won’t bend. She said, “Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time.” OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with “morning wood.”

Well, it’s is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it’s the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It’s not our fault, it’s just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature … there wouldn’t have been a problem!

The Art of Peeing

“Look who peeked in his shorts and found a pair.” – Scrubs

“Friends won’t let friend’s drive home drunk with an ugly guy.”

“Menopause, mental anxiety, menstrual cramps, mental breakdown…ever notice how all our problems begin with men?”

“Jin: I’m… sorry. Sawyer: Okay, nice. Keep it coming. Jin: You were…right. Sawyer: Okay, that’s two. Hit me. Jin: Those pants… don’t make you look… fat. Sawyer: Now ya got it! Only three things a woman needs to hear!” – Lost

“Erotic is using a feather….kinky is using the whole chicken.”

“You don’t keep inklings to yourself! You share them! You’re like hey guy, I got an inkling you’re headed for a fall here! That’s what friends do, that’s common knowledge, it’s in the damn handbook!” – Valentine’s Day

“Downsizing to a smaller office is a transition. Making dresses in your kitchen is Mildred Peers.” – Lipstick Jungle

“I bet people can actually die of embarrassment. I bet it’s been medically proven.” – My So-Called Life

“Now, I know I’m not the subtlest guy when it comes to women and I probably said something insanely inappropriate, because you told me if I ever talked to you again, you’d break my kneecaps. Which just made me love you.” – Alias

“The statistics on sanity are that one of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re ok, then it’s you.”

“You know that thing when you see someone cute and he smiles and your heart kind of goes like warm butter sliding down hot toast? Well that’s what it’s like when I see a store. Only it’s better.” – Confessions of a Shopaholic

“There’s a real big gap between getting your ass kicked and having a dancing, singing sprite fool you with trickery and then strike your throat before you even know you’re in a fight. But I wouldn’t expect someone like you to understand that, because all you do is make moves from up in your ivory tower.” – the break-up

“Oh, you guys have an inside joke. How absolutely wonderful for you both.” – Lost

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“That’s French! The French are coming! I’ve never been so happy to hear the French!” – Lost

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes.”