Ways to Know You Were Born in the ’80s

1. You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power and He-man got cancelled.

2. Snap bracelets were always getting you in trouble at school.

3. You played with My Little Ponies.

4. Friendship bracelets were ties that couldn’t be broken.

5. You know all the words to “Ice Ice Baby.”

6. You wanted to be Hulk for Halloween.

7. You had a crush on the New Kids on the Block members- *THE* ORGINAL BOY BAND.

8. You wanted to be on “Star Search.”

9. You wore one of those t-shirt rings or a scrunchie on the side of your shirts.

10. You were styling with your french-rolled pants.

11. You wore multiple pairs of socks in the middle of the summer just so you could be hip.

12. Cabbage Patch Kids ring a bell?

13. You can remember watching “Full House” and “Saved By the Bell” for endless hours, back when they were new episodes.

14. You have seen at least 10 episodes of “Fraggle Rock.”

15. You hold a special place in your heart for “Back to the Future.”

16. You always brought a sticker book to school.

17. You wanted to be a Goony (“Goonies never say die!”).

18. You remember Madonna in her cone stage.

19. You wore fluorescent-neon clothing.

20. There was ATARI: the state of the art video game system.

21. Do you remember MC Hammer?

22. You can still sing the rap to “Fresh Prince of Bel Air.”

23. Can you recite the theme to “Duck Tales?”

24. You own any cassettes.

25. You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlin or ET lunch box.

26. You ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female Smurf or why Baby Smurf never grew up…

27. You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the Care Bear Stare.

28. You had Super Woman or Superman underwear.

29. Do Polly Pockets and Popples ring a bell?

30. You stayed up all night listening to Teddy Ruxpin.

31. “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?”

32. You still have a crimper in your bathroom drawer.

33. You own an Indiana Jones hat.

34. You love your pink jeans and black stretch pants.

35. You learned how to spell “mouse” from the Mickey Mouse Club theme song.

36. You felt like a big girl when your mom bought you Girl Talk.

37. You used to wear bright pink slip-ons and jelly shoes.

38. You used to compare you brother to Ferguson.

39. You remember when Ren and Stimpy was a new show.

40. PEE WEE’s PLAY HOUSE!!!!!

41. Rainbow Brite, Lady Lovely Locks, Quints– hours of fun.

42. You can’t forget My Buddy, Ghost Busters, Pogo Balls and/or Skip it.

43. You weren’t allowed to watch “You Can’t Do That” on Television.

44. You went through a denial stage when you were told CDs were going to replace cassettes.

45. Leggings and baggy sweaters.

46. A younger sibling has looked at pictures of you and either asked if it was Halloween, or if you and your friends were “losers.”

47. You’ve had the internet for only around a third of your life.

48. Two words: Shrinky-dinks.

49. Cyndi Lauper and Tiffany were your idols.

50. You knew Prince before he was The Artist.

51. You had a crush on Ben Affleck when he was on The Voyage of the Mimi.

52. The Hanna Barbara shows weren’t reruns.

53. The New Scooby-Doo Shows…were really new.

54. Saturday morning cartoons…. The Wuzzles, Gummy Bears and Supergang, Snorks, and Pound Puppies.

55. Instead of sitcoms like Friends, Seinfield and Will & Grace you had….uh uh…. The Cosby Show?

56. You had streamers on the ends of your bike and/or a basket.

57. You had a scooter….not a razor…a scooter that weighed as much if not more than your bike.

58. You never quite got around to setting up the trap in Mouse Trap.

59. Lite Brite, Lite Brite turn on the magical shining light.

60. SLIP N SLIDE!!

61. Lunchtime Recess was devoted to Sticker Books.

62. The only way to carry your books around was a Trapper Keeper.

Ways to Know You Were Born in the ’80s

Dear Boy …

Dear Boy,

I am writing you this to ask of you a few things, and to also tell you I love you. Here goes: Please understand that I have feelings and cry, a lot, about stupid things mostly. But I know they are stupid things, so I do not need you, or anyone else for that matter, to remind me. And that when I do cry, all I need is the comfort of your embrace to stop my tears. If you do not know why I am crying, or I refuse to tell you, please accept that openly – as you will most likely find out later. If the reason does happen to involve you, I will mention this to you as soon as I pause in my hysterics. You must also understand that I am a woman. Yes, I menstruate and I am especially sorry if I go into too much detail [but oh it hurts]. And yes I know sweetie, PMS is not a legitimate reason for my pissy moods. But that anger and/or stress can quickly be relieved by a new pair of shoes or purse [BCBG will do just fine, thanks]. And please do not grumble or complain if I ask you to come with me, when I go shopping. I will not ask you if I look fat, I promise. I already know the answer to that, anyway. I might however ask you if this looks nice on me [translation: does my ass look good?]. And yes I will probably spend an obscene amount of money in one day, but do not worry, because I like to shower my loved ones with gifts, so we would not leave a store without buying something for you also. Taking you on shopping trips is also helping you, decide what to give me for my birthday, our anniversary [if you remember], Valentine’s Day, etc. But still, as much as I love Diesel, Kenneth Cole, Steve Madden, Prada and other luxury items, nothing makes me happier than something you’ve created yourself [example- decorate a frame with a picture of us in it]. Those are the best gifts, that even if in 25 years I end up hating you to pieces, I will never throw out. Please forgive me if I go to the, bathroom with my other girlfriends, in what you like to call, a ‘pack.’ But we go in there to talk about you, anything we say you will probably hear about later anyway but we must first discuss it with our fellow confidants. Also forgive me if I get upset with you if you don’t notice my haircut-but a girls’ hair is her treasure. Although negative an inch off my luscious locks seems immeasurably small to you, it’s massive to me. And I will ask you to lie to me and tell me it looks good, and will end up getting mad at you anyway for lying to me. I have to work on that. I also have to work on getting ready faster — 20mins is not enough time. At the least, an hour is necessary. I apologize for this, but isn’t the end worth the means? Please trust me, because I will never give you any reason not to, so please do not give me one. So that boy, that you sometimes see me with and I sometimes talk to, he, is after all, only a boy, nothing more. If there ever is another person involved I will let you know immediately – the chances of that happening, however, are slim to none. Please do not lie, or cheat on me. Because I will always find out [girls always know] and it will not be pleasant. Just tell me the truth, hearing it from you before your friends will be much safer, for everyone, in the end. Please do not be afraid of my parents, they really are, nice folks. My mother finds me dating, amusing and my father cannot bear to see his little girl growing up. He will not hurt you, I promise. [My brother on the other hand...I'm kidding....] He just looks out for his little sister. It is okay if you do not like my friends. I know, they are different kind of people but I love them for that. They may scare you, even anger you, but please know that there is a reason I’m friends with each one of them. Besides, I probably do not enjoy the company of some of your friends, but that’s why they are your friends, not mine. I am independent. Sometimes I will need you but for the most part I am my own person and can make my own decisions. So do not order my meal for me when we go out to dinner. I have my own eyes to read the menu and my own voice to speak to the waiter. I will want to go out on my own, occasionally, or with friends and but most often with you. I, however, do not act different in front of my friends than in front of you- please don’t either. Because you have no one to impress but yourself [and me, sometimes]. I know that it will be difficult to pick out a movie we both want to watch, but we will find a happy medium and compromise. If we are in the theatre, I may want to hold your hand or rest mine on your leg, but watch where you put yours. [Because darkness does not equal getting some ass, and I did not pay $8.75 to do things we could do at home.] Oh and another thing, I like to talk on the phone. I understand that you do not and that is okay- I accept that. But know that I love voices, especially yours. It’s warm and comforting so maybe sometimes in the middle of the night I will need to hear it. Please be kind to me, as I will to you. But not too kind, because there is such a thing as too nice of a guy. Do not say or do things just to pacify me, because after a while that will get boring. I do not want to walk all over you, do not walk all over me. I know you have feelings too, so I want to hear them. If ever something is wrong let me know right away because things will get better, faster, that way. If you choose not to tell me, I will still be able to see it in your eyes. You can hide nothing from me. I will also remind you now that I am a hopeless romantic- I like hugs from behind, kisses just because, and notes saying hello. I too understand that doing some of these things may be difficult for you [you will not be any less of a man if you do] but I enjoy them greatly. Also, sometimes just holding each other is enough. Simply lying close and watching you sleep is sufficient for me. And yes, sex is a big deal to me. I value myself too much to just go around handing it out, I will not compromise myself. I will not, though, tell you about my past with other guys and likewise, I do not care about your exes. Because no matter who she is, I hate her, she is the enemy. This is the unwritten law all girls must follow. So my name is not Stacy, Lauren, or Ashley, it is Ines. If by chance, you happen to forget that, there will be problems. It is alright if we disagree, or argue- that will happen sometimes unfortunately and it will kill me. Please do not get mad at me if I do not know what sport the San Antonio Spurs play [basketball]. And it’s okay if you think football is the greatest sport ever, but I prefer manicures and writing. I’m sorry if I’m not much for a challenge to you when playing a new game on your play station. I swear, I really do enjoy it, but me not being a boy, I was not born with a natural ability to be good at all video games known to man. It’s okay if you don’t like to dance ’cause, honestly, I don’t like to dance all that much either. Just slow dance with me, occasionally, either in the privacy of a home or in public- because dancing is good for us. Do not be ashamed to go into Victoria’s Secret with me. You must know that I do not enjoy being called cute when I am sick or angry. Because I am the farthest thing from cute when I am sick or angry, it makes me think that you would like to see me this way more. Also, this is something you must understand to fully love me. I am not a size 0 or 2. I will never be either of those sizes, nor do I care to be. Although sometimes I would convince people otherwise from all my moaning and complaining. But I have curves, and I enjoy them [I think you do too]. I am, after all, a woman. My hips are wide and my breasts are full, that is just me and you must accept that, as I have. I am insecure about myself, and I will need the reassurance from you that I am beautiful, even though I will never truly believe it. Yes, I do look better with makeup on. I do not believe in natural beauty, so excuse the morning makeup routine, I try to look great for you. And sometimes my pants are too long, that is why I always wear high shoes, but I will never be taller than you, so do not worry. I may walk with my head high, not moving for anyone. My nose may sometimes be in the air, but I am never better than anyone. It is a disguise; it’s really just flaming insecurity. But if you shower me with love and confidence, I will be okay. And now, I have just a few more favors to ask of you. If you need to cry, please do [I will not tell your friends]. If you need to talk [or scream/yell] I will be here to listen, always. Do not be afraid to ask for my help, with anything. We all need help sometimes and that is part of the reason I am here. Please forgive me though, if my attempts to appease you fail, but I will try- as sincerely and honestly as I can. Also know that I love you, and in a small way, will always love you, even if we fall out of love with each other. Which someday, may happen. And if it does, I will be angry, and throw fits and cry. But after awhile, with some time I will get over it. I am not sure how much time, but eventually, I will. Just be there for me, despite the fact that I will tell you to go away and scream ‘I hate you’s’ that I do not mean. Please, never hurt me intentionally. I am delicate and sensitive, as I have mentioned before, I cry easily. I act strong, by putting up a barrier, a fortress, but you are the most likely person to tear it down the fastest. I am vulnerable to you; my heart is putty in your hands. And you are left holding it, ready to be molded.

Dear Boy

Canon for Guys in Their Twenties and Thirties, According to the Author of Starting from Square Two–Caren Lissner

1. The Simpsons
2. This is Spinal Tap
3. Star Wars
4. Monty Python
5. Star Trek
6. The Princess Bride
7. The Untouchables
8. The Hobbit
9. The Matrix
10. Office space

Canon for Guys in Their Twenties and Thirties

Reason, season, or lifetime?

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. Next!

When people come into your life for a season, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people anyway; and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

Reason, season, or lifetime

Sorority Soliloquy

(from http://www.wiu.edu/deltazeta/sorority_quotes.htm)

I’ve heard it said a sorority

Is a waste of time; but I know better

For I have seen the love and walked

In the splendor of sisterhood

I’ve heard it said that a sorority

Is sad; I can’t agree

I’ve heard it said that a sorority

Is a dull, selfish place; It can’t be true

I’ve seen the affection, watched it

Fill my heart, the very air

And I have learned the Creed

Polished and spotless from end to end

And I’ve watched the sorority’s

Devotion drape each and every active

And pledge to look like nature’s

Freshly-granted love nourished for growth

I’ve heard it said that a sorority is

Harmful, but they are wrong

For I know my sisters…watched them

Strive to save a cause, spend of themselves

And I’ve watched them hope, dream,

And aspire, side by side

I’ve heard them say these things,

But I would disagree

Because for every shadow I have

Seen a hundred rays of light

For every plaintive note I’ve

Heard the symphony of joy

For every penny-weight of bad,

I’ve found a ton of good

Good in nature, in people, in my sorority

I’m thankful I belong.

Sorority Soliloquy

To my friends…

To my friends who are married

Love is not about “it’s your fault”, but “I’m sorry”, not “where are you,’ but “I’m right here”, not “how could you,” but “I understand”, not “I wish you were”, but “I’m thankful you are.”

To my friends who are engaged

The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how good you are for each other.

To my friends who are not so single

Love isn’t about becoming somebody else’s “perfect person.” It’s about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

To my friends who are heartbroken

Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

To my friends who are naive

How to be in love: Fall but don’t stumble, be consistent but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, and get hurt but never keep the pain.

To my friends who are searching

True love cannot be found where it does not truly exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does. Love is magic. The more we hide it, the more it shows; the more you suppress it, the more it grows.

To my friends who are the playgirl/guy time

Never say I love if you don’t care. Never talk about feelings if they aren’t there. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart. Never look in the eye when what you do is lie. The cruelest thing a guy can do to a girl is to let her fall in love when he doesn’t intend to catch her.

To my friends who are possessive

It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else but it’s more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.

To my friends who are afraid to confess

Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.

To my friends who are still holding on

A sad thing about life is that when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and we just have to let go.

To my friends who are single

Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it would come to you when you least expect it. Love can make you happy but often times it hurts, but love’s only special when you give it to someone who is worth it. So take your time and choose the best.

To My Friends

50 things every girl wished her boyfriend knew

1. He did something bad. You seem cool with it. You’re not, but you’re not telling him that.
2. Saying ‘I love you’ immediately before, during or after sex doesn’t count.
3. You will leave if he lies.
4. You’re more forgiving of him than you really should be.
5. You love it when he hugs you from behind and whispers in your ear.
6. When you fantasize, it’s mostly about him.
7. You’re convinced you’re pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before your period, even when you have no rational reason to think so.
8. Real men don’t drive automatics.
9. You get turned on simply seeing that you have an e-mail from him.
10. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather trousers.
11. Shoes determine whether he’s fashionable or not.
12. You’re scared of losing your independence.
13. He is cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (think: this year’s grunge).
14. If you’re not having sex with him, you’re a) having a fat day, b) not feeling connected to him, or c) blackmailing him to get what you want.
15. You own a Debbie Gibson CD, and you’re not afraid to use it.
16. A man you love plans the occasional fancy dinner and weekend getaways, and he buys your favourite chocolates when you’re just going to the movies.
17. He looks good in hooded clothing items.
18. He should never tell you what to do.
19. If you stay the night, he owes you breakfast in the morning.
20. If he asks you out directly, you will say yes.
21. You’re very impressed when he asks for your advice.
22. You’re unimpressed with a man who doesn’t take the lead.
23. When in doubt, he should go with the shirt that matches his eye color.
24. You want to be Madonna.
25. Romantic gestures don’t have to be expensive, just well thought out.
26. You love holding his bum in the palms of your hands.
27. When you compare your flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, he should say nothing.
28. If you’re not feeling loved, you will start looking elsewhere.
29. You need to hear how he feels about you. Very often.
30. Surprises, especially gifts for you = more loving.
31. You want to be the best thing that ever happened to him – and for him to recognize this.
32. He’s sexy when he’s shaving, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, or holding a baby.
33. The discussion of ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends should be avoided at all times.
34. You like it when he tells you what he’s thinking, even though he doesn’t know himself.
35. ‘Fine’ is never going to be an appropriate response when you ask him how you look.
36. You love it when he’s sweaty.
37. Celebrating anniversaries, even if it has only been a few months, earns bonus points.
38. When meeting a lady he should always greet her with kisses.
39. You like naughty movies.
40. The bottom line is that it’s cheating as soon as he’s doing something with another woman that he wouldn’t want you to see, hear, read about…
41. It’s best for him to consult his girl mates to get specialist advice on the subject of gift ideas.
42. For the record: you’d much prefer that he split up with you rather than have him cheat on you.
43. You remember everything about your relationship.
44. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk.
45. White socks are always a mistake.
46. If he’s going to stay out late, he should phone you – it makes the difference.
47. Buying you Manolo Blahnik shoes is his get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card.
48. You’re terrified of becoming your mother, even though you admire her.
49. You expect him to call you.
50. He should know all this and more without you telling him.

50 things every girl wished her boyfriend knew

Do You Just Belong? …

(from http://www.wiu.edu/deltazeta/sorority_quotes.htm)

Do You Just Belong?

Are you an active member, the kind that would be missed?

Or are you contented that your name is on the list?

Do you attend the meetings and mingle with the flock?

Or do you stay at home and criticize and knock?

Do you ever go and visit a member that is sick?

Or leave the work to just a few and talk about the clique?

There’s quite a program scheduled that I’m sure you’ve heard about.

And we will appreciate it if you’ll come and help with hand and heart.

Don’t be just a member, dig in and do your part.

Think this over member – you know right from wrong.

Are you an active member, or do you just belong?

Do You Just Belong

I love her but…

(forwardgarden.com)

….she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.

….what’s mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she’s cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I’m tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she’d do.

….she makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it’s not on the list, it doesn’t get done. Once, to be funny, I put “sex” on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list or it doesn’t get done. ….after sex, I mean the second house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.

….she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.

….have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you’d be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?

….she wears these false eyelashes. She left ‘em lying around and I slammed ‘em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.

I Love Her But…

Various Friends Throughout Our Lives …

In first grade, your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.

In second grade, your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.

In third grade, your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.

In fourth grade, your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn’t have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nick or Smelly Susan.

In fifth grade, your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.

In sixth grade, your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn’t have to be embarrassed.

In seventh grade, your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy the Math homework from the night before that you had.

In eighth grade, your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball but didn’t laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears.

In ninth grade, your idea of a good friend was the person who would go to a party thrown by a senior so you wouldn’t wind up being the only freshman there.

In tenth grade, your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.

In eleventh grade, your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn’t be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.

In twelfth grade, your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college/university, assured you that you would get into that college/university, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go.

At graduation, your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside, but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.

The summer after twelfth grade, your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn’t deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for college and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to give you reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.

Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when you’re scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly, loves you!

Various Friends Throughout Our Lives

Every Woman Should…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…?

A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra..

One friend who always makes her laugh…And one who lets her cry…

A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…

Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.

A feeling of control over her destiny…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…?

How to fall in love without losing herself…

How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship

When to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY..

That she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents…

That her childhood may not have been perfect, but its over…

What she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…

How to live alone even if she doesn’t like it…

Whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

Where to go, be it to her best friend’s kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods, when her soul needs soothing…

What she can and can’t accomplish in a day, a month, and a year…

Every Woman Should

10 ways the Bible would be different if written by college students

1. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.
2. The 10 Commandments would only be five – double spaced – and written in LARGE font.
3. New edition every 2 years to limit reselling.
4. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
5. Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s e-mail to [email protected].
6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
7. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
8. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
9. Reason why Moses and followers wandered the desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask for directions and look like freshies.
10. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and pulled an all-nighter.

10 ways the Bible would be different if written by college students

Four years ago…

We opened our lockers for the first time, looked at our schedules, thought about how great it was to finally be in high school.

Four years ago we met our best friend, we went to our first school dance, had a crush on a cute senior. Four years ago, we couldn’t wait to get older.

Three years ago…

Three years ago we stepped into high school believing that we owned the place. No longer the lowly freshman, we had a new attitude. Still individuals searching for themselves, looking to fit in, wanting to achieve something. We followed our daily routines, expanded our circle of friends, and talked about parties. Three years ago we made a new best friend, went to sweet sixteen’s every weekend, thought we were too mature for school dances. Three years ago we couldn’t wait to get older.

Two years ago…

Two years ago we became upper classmen. We began to realize that we were growing up. We got our licenses, started driving out on weekends. Two years ago we realized who our true friends were and cherished the times we spent with them. We found where we fit in, yet still seemed to be looking for something else. Two years ago we started talking about college, thinking it was still so far away. We had our junior prom, got our rings, realized that time really does fly. But two years ago we still couldn’t wait to get older.

One year ago…

One year ago we entered the school as seniors. We had senioritis before classes even resumed, we got to leave school early and come in late. Everything we did was the last … our last homecoming pep rally, our last season in a sport, our last birthday at home. One year ago we took our time together for granted, we went to party after party on the weekend, we rebelled, and we learned. One year ago, we still had the same best friend and cherished time spent with them. We started applying to college, far and near. We got accepted, we got rejected, we found exactly where we wanted to go. We realized that we would no longer have the comfort of home within a year.

Now…

Now, we finally realize that we could have waited to get older. We realize that time has somehow slipped away and soon we will be saying good-bye. Saying good-bye to our friends, our family, our home. Maybe for a short time … maybe forever. Soon we will go to our senior prom, graduate, sit for the last time with everyone. It is the last time we will all be together, recognized as the class of 2003. Now we are getting excited about starting over, getting sad about what we will leave behind, getting anxious to move on. Now we realize just how important our best friends are, how much fun we really did have in the four years. Now we wish we could be younger. We wish we could have taken the time to appreciate every moment . . . to slow down time. Now we face having to say good-bye. In one year we will return as different people. We will have experienced dorm life, ate campus food, met new friends. We will have joined a club, maybe a sorority, done something new. In one year we will be new people. We will still be searching for our identity…to find our niche. We will have picked majors, changed majors, passed and failed at things we tried. In one year we will know more about ourselves and what we want to become. We will remember the past times and look fondly at the memories, although we will have created new memories. Yet one thing will still remain. In one year, we will still have that same best friend. Maybe since kindergarten, maybe since high school, maybe a college roommate. That person can be found in new friends and old. Without them, we would have nothing. Four years brought change. Friendship held us strong when things were shaky, in good times and bad, in laughter and tears, through boyfriends/girlfriends, bad grades, family problems, and love . . . our friends showed us that life was worth enjoying. With them, we wanted to grow up so quickly. Now, they are the only ones with whom we will remain forever young.

Dating Dictionary

DATING:

The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY:

A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT:

A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND:

A member of the opposite sex who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE:

A woman’s feeling toward a man that is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.

IRRITATING HABIT:

What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC:

A man’s term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER:

A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION:

The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:

What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY:

How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Dating Dictionary

Dear Mom …

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it’s not only that mom, I’m pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams.

I’ve learned that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime, we’ll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed will get better. He deserves it.

Don’t worry Mom, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’ll visit for you to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Judith

P.S.

Mom, it’s not true. I’m at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than a report card… that’s in my desk drawer.

Dear Mom

How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair-dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “INBOX.”
5. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
6. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
7. In the memo field of all your cheques , write “FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS”.
8. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
9. Dont use any punctuation.
10. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
11. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
12. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
13. Sing along at the opera.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
15. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!”, “I Won!” “3rd time this week!!!”
18. Go to the zoo and run around the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
19. Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity

Blue Roses

By: Anonymous

Beside a lake two lovers walked

Dimly cheerful as they talked

She: “Please tell me, do you love me well?”

He: “I love thee more than words can tell.”

She: “Then, in your smile, let me know.”

He: “I love thee more than I can show.”

She: “Then touch my face that I may feel it.”

He: “A simple touch could not reveal it.”

She: “If not to hear nor to see nor to feel,

then how am I to know it’s real?”

He: “My every joy to thee I owe.”

She: “If that be true then prove it so.”

He: “Whatever you wish I shall acquire.

Whatever is thee heart’s desire.

Look around this wondrous land.

Tell me, love, what you find most grand.

Tell me what you deem the fairest,

even if it be the rarest.

For I would tame hell’s hottest fire.

To bring you what you so desire.”

She: “There is a thing my heart doth treasure,

from which I yield unending pleasure.

Before the light of this day closes,

I bid thee, find me two blue roses.”

He: “I know not any place to find

a single rose bush of that kind.

Alas, my dear, I must insist,

such blue roses do not exist.”

She: “Though easily you may ignore,

I know you’ve seen them times before.

But if my request thou dost deny,

my love for thee would surely die.

And so, my sweet, a fond adieu,

in hopes you find my roses blue.”

He: “To prove to thee this love is true,

I shall find two roses blue.”

Beside a lake two lovers parted

Misty-eyed and heavy-hearted

He walked on with hastened speed

She prayed that he would succeed

Hours passed, as time demanded

And he appeared, empty-handed

Beside a lake two lovers met

Filled with sorrow and regret

She: “I see that you have failed to find the roses which I so desired.”

He: “Alas, my dear, I’ve tried my best

to find for you your strange request.

But still again, I must insist

such blue roses do not exist.”

She: “If thou art true in telling me

such blue roses cease to be,

then my request thou hast denied.

And thus my love for you has died.”

Beside a lake two lovers parted

Misty-eyed and broken-hearted

She ran off with tearful pleas

He dropped slowly to his knees

With heart ache he had never known

Across the lake the sunlight shown

And in the water’s clear reflection

Saw his face in rippled perfection

And from this mirror he exposes

That his eyes are but two blue roses.

Blue Roses

Great Love Songs…

Cupid – 112

Everything I Do (I do it for you) – Bryan Adams

Back At One – Brian McKnight

For The First Time – Kenny Loggins

I Do (Cherish You) – 98 Degrees

Could Not Ask For More – Edwin McCain

Angel Of Mine – Monica

All My Life – K-Ci and JoJo

When You Say Nothing At All – Allison Krauss

Thank You For Loving Me – Bon Jovi

Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You – Lauryn Hill

Take My Breath Away – Berlin

In Your Eyes – Peter Gabriel

This I Promise You – NSYNC

We Danced – Brad Paisley

At Last – Etta James

When I Fall In Love – Nat King Cole

Promise – Jagged Edge

I Miss You – Incubus

Perfect One – Lit

Angel – Slick Shoes

Just Like Heaven – Goldfinger

Falling – Alicia Keys

Got a Man – Eve

2 in a million – SClub7

Back at One – Brian Mcknight

You’re the Reason – Krystal

Amazed – Lonestar

I’m Gonna Love You Forever – Jessica Simpson

I Belong to You – Lenny Kravitz

But I do Love You – Leann Rimes

Walk Me Home – Mandy Moore

I Wanna be With You – Mandy Moore

This I Promise You – Nsync

My Everything – 98 degrees

Because You Loved Me – Celine Dion

Put it on Me – Ja Rule

Be Where You Are – Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey

I Knew I Loved You – Savage Garden

You Had Me From Hello – Kenny Chesny

How Did I Fall In Love With You – Backstreet Boys

To Get Me To You – Lila McCann

All I Need To Know – LFO

Hanging By A Moment – Lifehouse

Everything – Lifehouse

Places I’ve Never Been – Mark Wills

Keeper of the Stars – Tracy Byrd

Thank God I Found You – Mariah Carey, Joe, and 98 degrees

Tell Me It’s Real – Kci & Jojo

I Swear – All 4 One

Addicted – Sisqo

One in a Million – Aaliyah

Drowning – Backstreet Boys

Promise – Jagged Edge

Let’s Just Get Married – Jagged Edge

I Turn To You – Christina Aguilera

What A Girl Wants – Christina Aguilera

Great Love Songs

Unconventional Prayer

Oh, Supreme Being, and I don’t mean me:

Give me the vision to see my parents as human beings, because if they aren’t, what does that make me?

Give me vocabulary because the more I say you know, the less anyone does.

Give me freedom from television because I’m beginning to distrust its happy endings.

Give me sex education to correct what I first heard from thirteen year olds.

Give me homework to keep me from flunking Free Time.

Give me a map of the world so I may see that this town and I aren’t the center of it.

Give me the knowledge that conformity is the enemy of friendship.

Give me the understanding that nobody ever grows up in a group, so I may find my own way.

Give me limits so I will know I’m loved.

And give me nothing that I haven’t earned so that this adolescence doesn’t last forever.

Unconventional Prayer

Mean Moms

We had the meanest mother in the whole world!

While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast.

When others had a Pepsi and a twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches.

And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You’d think we were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds. Then, life was really tough!

Mother wouldn’t let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them.

While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16. Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing others’ property, or ever arrested for any crime.

It was all her fault. Now that we have left home, we are all God-fearing, educated, honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was. I think that’s what’s wrong with the world today. It just doesn’t have enough mean moms anymore.

Mean Moms

How to Build Your Own Love Kit …

Jolly Rancher – for all the times you make me laugh

Sweet Escapes – for the special times we spend alone

Hugs & Kisses – yours are simply the best

100,000 Bar – you are worth more than a grand to me

Skittles – for the rainbow of colors you show me life through

Peppermint Patty – for the cool sensations you give me

Cotton Ball – to help soften any rough times

Popcorn – cause you keep popping into my thoughts

Balloon – because you encourage me to reach for the sky

Needle and Thread – that we are bound together

Match – we are a perfect match

Pom Pom – for the warm fuzzies you give me

Silk Rose – that will last forever…like us

Puzzle Piece – without you I’m not whole

How to Build Your Own Love Kit

Rules for settling or not

• If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
• Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition to save you from heartache.
• Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be.
• Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
• If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends.”
• A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
• Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
• The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
• Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
• He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant. Why would he treat you any differently?
• Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
• Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything.
• He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man’s behavior.
• Change comes from within.
• Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are… even if he has more education or is in a better job. Do not make him into a prince. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
• Never let a man define who you are.
• A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
• All men are NOT dogs.
• You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is a two-way street.
• You need time to heal between relationships…there is nothing cute about baggage… deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
• You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you…a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals…look for someone complementary…not supplementary.
• Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.
• Make him miss you sometimes…when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him he takes it for granted.
• Never move into his mother’s house. Never co-sign for a man.
• Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.
• Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
• They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Rules for Settling or Not

Words Women Use

“FINE”

This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

“FIVE MINUTES”

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it’s an even trade.

“NOTHING”

If you ask her what is wrong and she says “nothing,” this means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “five minutes” and end with the word “fine.”

“GO AHEAD” (with raised eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “nothing” and will end with the word “fine.”

“GO AHEAD” (normal eyebrows)

This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “nothing” and “fine” and she will talk to you in about “five minutes” when she cools off.

“LOUD SIGH”

This is not actually a word but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “loud sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “nothing.”

“SOFT SIGH”

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

“THAT’S OKAY”

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retribution for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s okay” is often used with the word “fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “go ahead.” At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

“PLEASE DO”

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “that’s okay.”

“THANKS”

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say “you’re welcome.”

“THANKS A LOT”

This is much different from “thanks.” A woman will say, “thanks a lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “loud sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “loud sigh,” as she will only tell you “nothing.”

posted by http://www.livejournal.com/users/oh_soo_confused/ in http://www.livejournal.com/users/__quotexwhore/

Words Women Use

Things You’d Love to Say at Work

1. I see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you learn to see it my way.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand what you’re saying.
10. Ahhh… I see the screw up fairy has visited you again…
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean that you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby, whiny opinion would be…?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for whatever is behind door number one?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Chaos, panic, and disorder- my work here is done.
36. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
37. I thought that I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Things You’d Love to Say at Work

Permission slip to date my daughter

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE:

This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME _______________________________

DATE OF BIRTH ________________

HEIGHT ____________________

WEIGHT __________

I.Q _______

G.P.A.______

SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________

DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS _________________

CITY/STATE ___________

ZIP _________

Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________

If No., EXPLAIN ___________________________________________________

Number of years your parents have been married ____________________________

Do you own a van? ______

A truck with oversized tires? ______

A waterbed? _______

Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring?

A tattoo_________________

(If “yes” to any of the two above, discontinue application and leave premises.)

In 50 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you?____________________ _______________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or lest, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE” mean to you? _____________________________________________________________________

Church you attend _____________

How often do you attend __________________

When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________

Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (that means I won’t tell anyone-ever-I promise.)

If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________

If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________

A woman’s place is in the ________________________________________

The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________

When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her ______________

(NOTE: If your answer begins with “T” or “A”, discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

________________________________________ Signature ( That means your name, moron.)

Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back.)

Permission slip to date my daughter

What My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”

My mother taught me RELIGION

“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL

“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me LOGIC

“Because I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT

“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

My mother taught me IRONY

“Keep laughing and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS

“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM

“Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA

“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER

“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS

“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY

“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – Don’t Exaggerate!!!”

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION

“Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about ENVY

“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

THANKS, MOM!

What My Mother Taught Me

The Meaning of Some Flowers

Carnation: Woman’s love

Daisy: Innocence

Lilac: First emotions of love

Orchid: Rare beauty; fertility

Rose: Love

Tulip: Eternal love

Amaryllis: Pride; splendid beauty

Red Carnation: My heart aches for you

Daffodil: Unrequited love

Gladiolus: Love at first sight

Hydrangea: Thank you for understanding

Iris: Friendship means so much; hope

Lily: Purity

Lily of the Valley: Happiness

Red roses say “I love you” and also stand for respect and courage.

The Meaning of Some Flowers

Beauty Secrets

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge you’ll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.

Remember, If you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, Because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years-only grows!

Beauty Secrets

To the girl who will replace me by Amanda

There are just a couple of things that I thought I should tell you. I learned these while I was the object of your guy’s affection.

First of all, don’t be frightened if he smothers much more love on you than you had expected. Don’t be surprised if he treats you much better than any other guy you have ever met. And let it not scare you that he will actually listen carefully to every word you say, even when you’re just speaking quietly. Also, you should know that he remembers everything you will say. He’s hurt easily, especially by the painful words a careless girl will say. If you do hurt him, then you’ll have to pay the price of seeing the broken look in his passionate and deep brown eyes, and watch the light in them fade. But if this happens, all is not lost- a kiss and an “I love you” can heal anything. And please, don’t say I love you to him, unless you really mean it, nothing hurts him more than someone who really doesn’t care. Sometimes, he won’t tell you what he is feeling, but… just know that he is protecting you and if you ever feel that something isn’t right, just look into his beautiful brown eyes and you will be able to see into him. You can see everything he is feeling, everything he is thinking, everything that isn’t right with him…

He won’t ever try to hurt you, because he just isn’t that way, so please don’t hurt him because if you do, I don’t think I could ever forgive you. I don’t think there could ever be a worse feeling in the world than knowing that you have the boy that I love and knowing that you hurt him. You should know that if you two ever get into a fight, just make sure you pick only the ones worth fighting for… He will always keep his temper and will never curse at you or call you names, despite the anger he may be feeling. Though he may act mature, most of the time, once he’s given you his heart, he will begin to open up to you and his silliness will make your heart smile, in a way that words cannot explain. Don’t hold a tight grip on him, let him go and be part of the world and experience new things. You will find that he is a busy guy and that he is so very independent. Sometimes, he will need his space, but don’t worry… He’ll always make time for you and even when you’re not around, you’ll be in his thoughts.

You will find that he isn’t like any other guy that you have met, so please don’t take him for granted. When it comes to his money, don’t take advantage of that, he will be so unselfish with it, because that is the way he is. Remember, He likes blue better than green, blondes better than brunettes, Republicans better than Democrats, Soft pretzels win over Steak, Khaki over denim, Leather over cloth, and even though he won’t admit it, he really does like to be surprised. He is less tough than he may appear, you just have to take the time and let him bring down his guard…

He is so sweet and so amazing and know that if you ever leave him, you will break his heart apart, the same way that my heart breaks apart, as I sit here writing this to you. Don’t ever try to pull him away from his dreams. He is going to be an extremely successful attorney and won’t ever let you give up on your dreams, either. He will encourage you to become everything you can be and will never, ever let you down. He likes it when you kiss his ear and nothing is better than hugging each other. Just watch how your hand will fit perfectly into his and when it does, it seems as if nothing in the world could hurt you, because he is there. And when he puts his arms around you and tells you that you are the girl he loves, you will know, there isn’t any guy in the world better than him…

Don’t ever let him go. You will regret doing so, for the rest of time… I promise, you will.

To The Girl Who Will Replace Me

For the In-College or College-Bound

Maybe the time has gone, the faces, I recall. But things in this life change very slowly, if they ever change at all….The scary part being that we’ve all been hit with change lately, and it doesn’t seem to have come slowly at all. Do you remember the day you left home? I’m sure that you do. But I’ll bet that what you remember even more clearly were the days in the week before you left. You know……the days that you spent getting addresses, phone numbers, and email addresses and trying to figure out how to say good-bye to everyone that you’ve loved for as long as you could remember.

Do you remember standing by your best friend’s car one night, after midnight, trying to sum up the meaning of a friendship you’d managed to maintain through thick and thin for years? Do you remember how hard that was, to think of how to say good-bye to that one person? It was nearly impossible, wasn’t it, to give them that one last hug and turn around and walk inside?

I’ll bet the part of what you remember was the night before you left, kissing your boyfriend or girlfriend good-bye one last time. Just knowing that you’d have to turn around and walk back inside was almost motivation enough not to leave. Stepping back to take one last look at that person you love–it’s really scary. And you go and you tell yourself that you won’t ever find someone new. You won’t ever replace your old friends. You’ll never falling in love again.

It’s really crazy,what kinds of things can happen when you don’t mean for them to. You get to a new place full of strangers. You meet people who forget you. You forget people who you meet. But sometimes, you come across some extra ordinarily special people. They have tears to shed, too. They also left people that they love behind. They’re still in love with that guy or girl back home where they used to live, and they all want someone to talk to. So you talk. Talk is good. You form bonds you never thought you’d form. You call your old friends and tell them about the new ones. Sometimes, they don’t understand. Sometimes, you hurt their feelings. Sometimes everyone is a bit jealous. You miss your boyfriend. Or your girlfriend.

One day you’re sitting in the park, thinking about all that stuff you didn’t want to leave, and a stranger sits down near you. Sometimes that person stays a stranger. Other times you talk to him or her. Sometimes you experience things you didn’t want to ever happen. You become interested in a person that isn’t your boyfriend or girlfriend at home. Sometimes college is really complicated.

Sometimes you stay together, other times you break up. Sometimes you think you’ve done the wrong thing by coming so far away from home. And sometimes when you start thinking like this, it’s time to make a change. So when this happens, you sit down and turn on your stereo, and that song “Leaving on a Jet Plane” from the Armageddon soundtrack is on, or The Eagles “Sad Cafe” song, and you wonder if you can still recall all the faces from your past. So, you pick up the phone and you call them all just to say, “Hi, I love you, I’m thinking about you.” And then just as an after thought you say, “You know, I’m really learning a lot from college. I wish you would visit all of my friends. They would love you. And you would love them. They’re very important to me.”

Because, after all this is college. And college is a growing experience. Growing experiences cause change is hard. But whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

So call your parents. Call your siblings. Call your best friend. Or your boyfriend or girlfriend. Or even your ex, if that’s how it worked out. Tell them hello. Tell them that you miss and love them. And then, turn off your stereo, walk out of your dorm room. Go to a new friend’s room and give them a big hug and say, “Thanks so much for being here. I love you.”

You learn a lot when you go to college. You learn that pulling an all-nighter means staying up all night to study for a test you will then sleep through. You learn to appreciate the taste of beer-the cheapest of all alcoholic beverages. You learn that you can roll out of bed 10 minutes before class and go to class looking like shit-and no one will notice or care. You learn youreally can do things for yourself without your parents looking over your shoulder–but you also learn you never realized how nice it was to have them there, just in case. More than anything, however, you learn how much your friends really mean to you. College friends come to mean a lot to you, but they can never compare your friends from home. Your friends from home teach you the meaning of friendship during your college years. Because you are apart from them you tend to express your feelings more — you learn how much these people truly affect your life.

You’ve got your best friend who exemplifies friendship-she calls at least once a week, sends email every day, and even sends you real mail. You feel like you never left each other…she still knows everything about you, and even over the Internet can tell when something is wrong. She teaches you that distance doesn’t have to change a friendship at all. Then there is your other best friend. She rarely calls or writes and she doesn’t do the email thing. At times you think she has forgotten about you…until you hear from her. You hear from her for the first time in almost two months-and nothing has changed. You are still you and she is still her –even though you never talk you are as close as ever, you are still the best of friends. You find yourself expressing to her just how much she means to you — because you realize it now more than ever. She teaches you that true friends are friends in the soul…separation can tear them apart.

Then there are those friends that you sort of lost touch with those last few months of high school and during the summer. You were busy, they were busy…but somehow, the magic of email has brought you closer together than you ever were in four years at the same school. You share secrets, heartache, and joy…it’s another person who cares about you as long as you will care about them too. Away from all the pettiness of high school, you’ve finally formed an adult relationship…and you realize just how great a friend this person is suddenly, the people that you thought for sure you would lose touch with in college are the ones you’re keepin closest contact with–and you miss them more than you ever thought possible. Sadly enough, there are also the friends that you were closest to in high school who drift too far for you to hold onto. You’ve both changed and suddenly you don’t have much to say to each other. But these people teach you a lesson too they make you value the others, the ones you have stayed close to, that much more. These distant friends, though you miss them when you rarely think of them, show you who your forever friends really are-and they make you appreciate those forevers much more than before.

College is rough. College severs some bonds and solidifies others…it puts a distance between you and the ones you love. But it teaches you so much. It forces your real friends to come to the front, while the rest take their places in the shadows of your memories. In college you lose some people — but through real friendship and the strength of the soul (which is where real friends join as one) you keep the ones you will need most in your life. You learn the real meaning of the quote: “If you press me to say why we were friends, I can say no more than it was because she was she and I was I.” The people who fit that mold are your forever friends.

For the In-College or College-Bound